Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Tanked: The "Kerry Perry Goes to Capitol Hill" Drinking Game


You guys, there's a dumpster fire cocktail!

It even has a little dumpster!

Can you think of a drink that is more perfect for Kerry Perry's trip to Capitol Hill?

I sure as sin can't!

Before we get to the drinking, here's what you need to know:
  • The dumpster fire begins at 10 am Eastern on Wednesday, May 23. (Yes, I recognize that 10 am is a bit aggressive for a drinking game, but I'm from the Midwest. 10 am is a late start.)

  • You can watch the dumpster fire here.

  • Rumor is that Deborah Daniels has been prepping Kerry Perry for this hearing. (Yes, the very same Deborah Daniels who prepared the "independent" report for USAGym. I know, right?)

  • You can read Kerry Perry's opening statement ahead of time. It's basically a written version of her deer-in-headlights video.

  • GymCastic provides a good recap of who did what – and, unfortunately, who didn't do what – leading up to Larry Nassar's arrest.

All right, let's light this bad boy on fire.


Take a sip if she uses any of these words or phrases:

  • Accountability

  • Transparency

  • Moving forward

  • Positive changes (as opposed to negative changes)

  • Commitment to safety

  • Bold decisions

  • Highest standards

  • I don't know

  • I wasn't in charge

  • Listening forums

  • National pride ('cause that's what the victims care about right now – being the pride of the United States)


Take two gulps if

  • Kerry Perry pretends like she was in court for all of the victim impact statements.

  • She mentions firing Rhonda Faehn. Take two more gulps if she makes it sound like she fired Rhonda Faehn months ago.

  • She refers to the $1.3 million grant to support abuse victims, which was announced on the eve of the hearing. Take four more gulps if it sounds like the timing of these funds had nothing to do with the subcommittee hearing.

  • She is forced to talk about the NDAs, which USAGym denied. If someone forces her to enumerate the NDAs, finish your drink. This is going to get good. You might want popcorn, too. (I wonder if the public knows about all of the NDAs or if there are still a few hidden away in the darkest corners of USAGym's maze of lies and half-truths.)

Finish your drink if

  • Kerry Perry uses the word "empower" or any variant thereof: empowering, empowerment, empowered, you get the picture. (Honestly, this could be the entire drinking game.)

  • Someone calls her "Katy Perry." After finishing your drink, you must sing the refrain to your favorite Katy Perry song.

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