Friday, August 5, 2016

Borracho: Your Unofficial Drinking Game for Men's Gymnastics at the Rio Olympics

Men's gymnastics meets are the best. But they're also several hours long, which means that they can be a little exhausting for the average joe, especially if you're sitting through a full day of qualifications.

But I'll let you in on an old Soviet secret: alcohol makes everything better. So, grab a couple friends and a whole lot of alcohol, and win that Olympic gold medal in drinking. YOU CAN DO IT!

If you can't name every member of the Japanese men's team, take a big gulp for each gymnast you can't name.

WTF. These photos even make Ryohei Kato look bad!

If you don't know the difference between a Tsukahara and a Kasamatsu on vault, take another big gulp.

If you didn't know how many Olympic medals Nikolai Andrianov won, take 15 gulps.

Yup, he won 15 Olympic medals.

All right, now, you're ready to start the drinking game…

It's time to go 6 for 6, and trust in your training…

Chug your drink any time you see a commercial for MORE Olympics coverage during a commercial break. #Meta

What's that? A view of Cristo Redentor on your screen? Stand up, throw your arms out to the side, and yell, "I'm Nastia… I mean, I'm Jesus!"

If you saw the 2012 Kellogg's Tour, you'll know what I'm talking about.

It starts around 2:16. This video does not do Nastia's Jesus moment justice.

Whenever a gymnast does a man wipe on floor, stand up on your chair, and man wipe like you're about to win the Olympic floor final. After dismounting your chair, salute the judges, sit down, and have a drink. You earned it, champ.

For the uninitiated in the ways of the wipe, we're not talking about these moist toilettes for your man bits.

We're talking about this.

If Kohei Uchimura shows up on your screen, don't drink. Play Pokemon Go.

It's not like he's good at gymnastics or anything. Why would you want to watch someone who made a name for himself by running up a $5,000 cell phone bill? Sad.

If a gymnast falls on high bar, drink until he remounts the apparatus.

Forced to watch someone chalk up? Waterfall drink until it's over.

You're going to die whenever the U.S. goes to parallel bars…

If your friends openly admit to liking Louis Smith's man bun, throw your drink at them.

A photo posted by GymCastic Podcast (@gymcastic) on

If a friend passes out during the meet, shave a Sam Mikulak-style flag into the side of his or her head.

During commercial breaks, play charades, and reenact your favorite Olympic moments of all times. The losing team has to clean up at the end of the night.

When a skill scares you, take a shot. Drinking is the original Xanax.

When a skill terrifies you, take two shots. Clearly, that first shot didn't work.

When death seems imminent, drink everything in sight.


Every time the broadcast shows a team huddle, fly into a huddle in your living room. Last person in the huddle has to take a drink.

Whenever there's marching, form a line in your living room. First person in line gets to choose what the last person in line has to drink.

If someone explains the scoring system to you, roll your eyes, huff loudly, and take a very large gulp.

If a gymnast falls off pommel horse, throw yourself to the ground out of sympathy. Have a drink for that poor lad while you're lying on the floor.

If you believe in artistry, fall gracefully with pointed toes. Otherwise, swear like you're Yin Alvarez as you drop to the ground.

Whenever Jake Dalton flexes his Corgi-sized biceps, take two sips – one for each bicep.

If Jake's not competing, feel free to swap in Sam Mikulak, Fabian Hambuechen, Igor Radivilov, etc. etc. etc. Anyone whose biceps are bigger than your head.

Men hugging? Sweet. Cuddle with the dude next to you, and take a bromance shot together. 

Make sure your arms are intertwined like pretzels, and you stare longingly into each others' eyes.

At the end of the competition, write a drunken fan letter to your favorite gymnast. Take a picture of it. And post it on social media. (Try to remember not to tag your favorite gymnast. That would be awkward.)

Not sure how to watch the Olympics? Check here for details.