Saturday, August 6, 2016

Betrunken: Your Unofficial Drinking Game for Women's Gymnastics at Rio 2016

Heart palpitations. Sweaty palms. Nervous diarrhea. These are the slings and arrows of a gymnastics fan during the Olympics.

But I'll let you in on an old Soviet secret: alcohol makes everything better. At least, that's what Valentina Rodionenko told me in a dream last night, and everything that comes out of Valentina's mouth is true. (*Cough* Nabieva's perpetual retirement. *Cough*)

So, grab a couple friends and a whole lot of alcohol, and win that Olympic gold medal in drinking. YOU CAN DO IT!

If you don't know who Larisa Latynina is, take a big gulp.

If you don't know how many Olympic medals Larisa Latynina won, take 18 gulps.

If you can't name all the female gymnasts on the Chinese Olympic team, who are you? What are your priorities in life? And why aren't you taking a shot?

If this advertisement of Nastia and her fiancΓ©, Matt, makes you question your sexuality, good. It should. You're invited to my house to drink.

All right, that was your podium training. Now, you're ready to start the drinking game…

It's time to go 4 for 4, and trust in your training, and just be best friends…

Whenever you see your favorite gymnast, pump your fist in the air and yell the gymnast's name. Then, take three sips and pretend like nothing happened.

If you signed the petition for Laurie, throw alcohol in your eyes. The gymternet has hit peak crazy.

I'm not saying that Laurie is a bad gymnast. I understand where all these feelings are coming from, but a petition is a bit much.

Every time someone does a wolf turn, pop a squat. Last person squatting has to do a shot.

What's that? A view of Cristo Redentor on your screen? Stand up, throw your arms out to the side, and do your best Arthur Nory impression.

Waterfall during any fluff piece. To up your difficulty score, connect your waterfall to crying for +0.3 CV.

If someone confuses the Downies, throw your drink at the person.

If someone confuses Gabby and Simone, spit your drink in the person's face.

Eff your life. Someone asks, "Where's McKayla Maroney?" That person is cut off. Done. Never invited to another party.

Any use of the word "fire" or a fire metaphor = Drink.

Examples: "She has fire in her eyes" or "That was a dumpster fire."

Any comparison to one of those silly ball sports = Drink.

Examples: "She's the Michael Jordan of gymnastics."

Take a drink for every gymnast who gets two-per-countried out of a final.

Whenever there's dramatic breath-ography or theatric arm waving, take a shot and yell, "But it's soooooooo artistic!"

Yes, I realize that this gif is not from a routine. I'm just giving you an example of what it might look like.

During commercial breaks, play choreography charades. You do the gymnast's famous choreography. Your team guesses the gymnast.

If a gymnast sprints halfway across the floor for a leap, run a lap around your living room. It'll help you sober up.

If you use a nickname that is unrelated to a gymnast's birth name, take a shot while your friends whip you with wet noodles.

Examples include: Pocket Rocket, Grandma, the Queen, Fierce Five, Flying Squirrel, Baby Shakira, GlamSquad, etc.

If a gymnast performs to an overused piece of music (e.g. Moulin Rouge, Carmen, Requiem for a Dream, etc.), finish your drink.

When someone (perhaps International Gymnast) spreads rumors, stand up and shout, "HOW DARE YOU!" Then, take a drink and stare at your computer with Mustafina murder eyes.

Any time someone comments on a gymnast's hair, yell, "AIMEE BOORMAN'S HAIR IS BETTER!" And take a drink for Aimee.

Not sure how to watch? Elizabeth Grimsley has you covered.


  1. For real though, I have so much trouble telling the Downies apart when they're not standing right next to each other (or competing. I can tell their routines apart.)

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