Friday, March 4, 2016

The Designated Drunk: Your 2016 American Cup Drinking Game


As usual, play at your own risk!

Take A Big Gulp Whenever…


  • Al Trautwig fucks up Nastia Liukin's name on air. (He does it at least once per broadcast.)
     
  • It sounds like Nastia is whispering into the microphone.
     
  • Al Trautwig makes an awkward comment on a gymnast's body. For example, "Look at the muscles in her forearms absolutely rippling."
     
  • Nastia and Tim begin to reminisce about the glory days when they still wore grips and leotards.
     
  • Tim Daggett says, "That's bad."
     
  • Tim Daggett says, "Not good."
     
  • Tim Daggett says, "Let's see here."
     
  • A commentator uses the word "prestigious" to describe this meet.
     
  • A commentator mentions the word "Olympics." (You're going to be so drunk. Happy Saturday!)
     
  • Someone on social media calls Carlotta Ferlito a racist.
     
  • Someone on social media says that the Americans were overscored.
     
  • Someone on social media says that Gabby threw shade at Sophina and her floor routine.
  • A gymnast does an aerial front walkover.
     
  • A male gymnast does a double pike dismount off parallel bars.
     
  • A female gymnast does a double pike on floor.
     
  • A gymnast does a stalder.
     
  • A gymnast does a vault with some twists. (I'm trying to get you drunk, if you can't tell.)
     
  • Nastia tries to comment on men's gymnastics and fails.



Finish Your Drink When…


  • The broadcast opens with a view of the Prudential Center, followed by a shot of Gabby Douglas winning the 2012 all-around title.
     
  • Nile Wilson is bumped from the competition. Because Max Whitlock. (Seriously, if this comes true, I will die of a rage stroke.)
     
  • A commentator mentions the Fierce 5.
     
  • A commentator talks about McKayla Maroney saying goodbye to competition. (Tears make for a great mixer.)
     
  • A commentator talks about Kyla Ross retiring from elite gymnastics. (SLOPPY. TEARS. are an even better mixer.)
     
  • Gabby Douglas talks about Simone Biles pushing her.
     
  • The camera awkwardly pans to a gymnast's butt or crotch.
     
  • A commentator mentions the Amanar, even though no one is competing the vault at this meet.
     
  • A male gymnast does the "man wipe" in the corner before his final tumbling pass. He probably could use a drink right now, so you probably should help him out.
     
  • A female gymnast does a leap out of a tumbling pass. (Warning: If she goes out of bounds on that leap, you should probably giggle and then have two drinks.)
     
  • You see a ring leap that you wouldn't want to put a ring on. (Gabby on beam. There, I said it.)
  • A part of you misses seeing Aimee Boorman and her perfect hair on your screen.


Take Three Big Gulps When…


  • The Holy Trinity of the American Cup appears on your screen – Mary Lou Retton (Father), Carly Patterson (Son), and Nastia Liukin (Holy Ghost).

For the Designated Drunks out There, Chug Whenever…


  • Tim Daggett says the word "tenth" or "tenths."


 Suggested Drinks


  • New Jersey's blueberry wine -- because the sweetest year is the Olympic year.
  • New Jersey's Applejack -- because who doesn't want to watch jacked gymnasts perform incredible feats, while you get so drunk that you can barely walk? #LifeGoals
  • Jack Rose -- because hot pink nation.

How to Watch the 2016 American Cup




3 comments:

  1. Uncle Tim, we'll all be in the hospital. (i read this and i'm drunk though, so. take it with a grain of salt)

    ReplyDelete
  2. You should add tim daggett saying the word "tremendous"

    ReplyDelete
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