Friday, March 4, 2016

The Designated Drunk: Your 2016 American Cup Drinking Game

As usual, play at your own risk!

Take A Big Gulp Whenever…

  • Al Trautwig fucks up Nastia Liukin's name on air. (He does it at least once per broadcast.)
  • It sounds like Nastia is whispering into the microphone.
  • Al Trautwig makes an awkward comment on a gymnast's body. For example, "Look at the muscles in her forearms absolutely rippling."
  • Nastia and Tim begin to reminisce about the glory days when they still wore grips and leotards.
  • Tim Daggett says, "That's bad."
  • Tim Daggett says, "Not good."
  • Tim Daggett says, "Let's see here."
  • A commentator uses the word "prestigious" to describe this meet.
  • A commentator mentions the word "Olympics." (You're going to be so drunk. Happy Saturday!)
  • Someone on social media calls Carlotta Ferlito a racist.
  • Someone on social media says that the Americans were overscored.
  • Someone on social media says that Gabby threw shade at Sophina and her floor routine.
  • A gymnast does an aerial front walkover.
  • A male gymnast does a double pike dismount off parallel bars.
  • A female gymnast does a double pike on floor.
  • A gymnast does a stalder.
  • A gymnast does a vault with some twists. (I'm trying to get you drunk, if you can't tell.)
  • Nastia tries to comment on men's gymnastics and fails.

Finish Your Drink When…

  • The broadcast opens with a view of the Prudential Center, followed by a shot of Gabby Douglas winning the 2012 all-around title.
  • Nile Wilson is bumped from the competition. Because Max Whitlock. (Seriously, if this comes true, I will die of a rage stroke.)
  • A commentator mentions the Fierce 5.
  • A commentator talks about McKayla Maroney saying goodbye to competition. (Tears make for a great mixer.)
  • A commentator talks about Kyla Ross retiring from elite gymnastics. (SLOPPY. TEARS. are an even better mixer.)
  • Gabby Douglas talks about Simone Biles pushing her.
  • The camera awkwardly pans to a gymnast's butt or crotch.
  • A commentator mentions the Amanar, even though no one is competing the vault at this meet.
  • A male gymnast does the "man wipe" in the corner before his final tumbling pass. He probably could use a drink right now, so you probably should help him out.
  • A female gymnast does a leap out of a tumbling pass. (Warning: If she goes out of bounds on that leap, you should probably giggle and then have two drinks.)
  • You see a ring leap that you wouldn't want to put a ring on. (Gabby on beam. There, I said it.)
  • A part of you misses seeing Aimee Boorman and her perfect hair on your screen.

Take Three Big Gulps When…

  • The Holy Trinity of the American Cup appears on your screen – Mary Lou Retton (Father), Carly Patterson (Son), and Nastia Liukin (Holy Ghost).

For the Designated Drunks out There, Chug Whenever…

  • Tim Daggett says the word "tenth" or "tenths."

 Suggested Drinks

  • New Jersey's blueberry wine -- because the sweetest year is the Olympic year.
  • New Jersey's Applejack -- because who doesn't want to watch jacked gymnasts perform incredible feats, while you get so drunk that you can barely walk? #LifeGoals
  • Jack Rose -- because hot pink nation.

How to Watch the 2016 American Cup


  1. Uncle Tim, we'll all be in the hospital. (i read this and i'm drunk though, so. take it with a grain of salt)

  2. You should add tim daggett saying the word "tremendous"

  3. +$3,624 profit last week...

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