Saturday, August 6, 2016

Betrunken: Your Unofficial Drinking Game for Women's Gymnastics at Rio 2016

Heart palpitations. Sweaty palms. Nervous diarrhea. These are the slings and arrows of a gymnastics fan during the Olympics.

But I'll let you in on an old Soviet secret: alcohol makes everything better. At least, that's what Valentina Rodionenko told me in a dream last night, and everything that comes out of Valentina's mouth is true. (*Cough* Nabieva's perpetual retirement. *Cough*)

So, grab a couple friends and a whole lot of alcohol, and win that Olympic gold medal in drinking. YOU CAN DO IT!

Friday, August 5, 2016

Borracho: Your Unofficial Drinking Game for Men's Gymnastics at the Rio Olympics

Men's gymnastics meets are the best. But they're also several hours long, which means that they can be a little exhausting for the average joe, especially if you're sitting through a full day of qualifications.

But I'll let you in on an old Soviet secret: alcohol makes everything better. So, grab a couple friends and a whole lot of alcohol, and win that Olympic gold medal in drinking. YOU CAN DO IT!

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Did Russia Break the IOC's Rules for Ivan Stretovich? Probably, But Does It Matter?

Baby Stretovich!

Today, Valentina Rodionenko confirmed that Ivan Stretovich would replace Nikita Ignatyev at the Olympics. The reason given: Stretovich was performing better than Ignatyev in training.

Seems like a good coaching decision, right? After all, you want your best gymnasts to compete.

But here's the thing: If Valentina's explanation is accurate, the swapping of athletes should be seen as a violation of the IOC's Late Athlete Replacement (LAR) Policy.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Plastered: The Ultimate Olympic Trials Drinking Game

Guys, this is Marta Karolyi's last Olympic Trials. It's time to lock the doors, put on your old competition leotard, and find out whether the team really is Simone, Gabby, Aly, Laurie, and Madison.

If you want to celebrate this anticlimactic event, get your fellow gym nerds together and play a little drinking game. If you have some "Count Karolyi" on hand (see above), great. If not, use whatever you have in the house.

Remember that it's not about perfect. Your goal is to show that your liver and tear ducts are 90% ready for Rio.

Let's get plastered!

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Quick Hits: Videos from the All-Japan Championships

Kohei Uchimura scored a 91.300 in the all-around, even though he fell on his Li Xiao Peng vault, which has always been somewhat questionable, and whacked his legs on the parallel bars. It's Kohei, though. The man can probably fart better than most of us.

Nikolai Kuksenkov's Doping Problems and a Quick Primer on Meldonium

Prior to this weekend, meldonium was not on the radar of many gymnastics fans. It was a problem that other sports were facing, but no gymnast had tested positive in 2016.

That changed this weekend when Nikolai Kuksenkov became the first known gymnast to test positive for the drug in 2016. Now, we, gymnastics fans, are scrambling to educate ourselves on the drug. Here's what I've learned about the drug over the past month or so.

What Is Meldonium?

Meldonium is a drug that gives sufferers of heart and circulatory conditions more “physical capacity and mental function," according to the Latvian drug manufacturer's website. It is sold primarily in the Baltic States and ex-Soviet countries. However, in 2016, athletes from countries like Sweden have tested positive for the drug.

The 88+ Club (as of April 2, 2016)

Unfortunately, I don't have time to maintain my full UTRS. But with so many meets over the next month, I needed to put the scores in perspective. So, I decided to create an ongoing list of gymnasts who have scored over an 88.000 in the all-around in 2016. (If I'm missing someone, let me know in the comments below.)

The scoring at some meets might be more to your liking than others. So, as always, take these scores with a grain of salt. To give you some guidance, I've put FIG meet results in bold. And I've put Kuksenkov's scores in italics until the Russian Gymnastics Federation figures out his Meldonium problems.

1. Kohei UchimuraJapan91.300All-Japan Championships
2. David BelyavskiyRussia90.367Russian Championships - Day 1
3. Sam MikulakUSA90.350Winter Cup - Day 2
4. Nikolai KuksenkovRussia89.799Russian Championships - Day 1
5. Nikolai KuksenkovRussia89.733Russian Championships - Day 2
6. Kenzo ShiraiJapan89.700All-Japan Championships
7. Ryohei KatoJapan89.400All-Japan Championships
8. Bart DeurlooJapan89.350NED vs. ESP
9. Max WhitlockGreat Britain89.299Glasgow World Cup
10. Yusuke SaitoJapan89.250All-Japan Championships
10. Yuya KamotoJapan89.250All-Japan Championships
12. Nikita NagornyRussia89.166Russian Championships - Day 2
13. Yusuke TanakaJapan89.050All-Japan Championships
14. Nikita NagornyRussia89.033Russian Championships - Day 1
15. Ryohei KatoJapan88.931American Cup
16. John OrozcoUnited States88.700Houston National Invitational
17. Donnell WhittenburgUnited States88.565American Cup
18. Nikita IgnatyevRussia88.467Russian Championships - Day 1
19. Akash ModiUnited States88.450Winter Cup - Day 2
20. John OrozcoUnited States88.000Winter Cup - Day 2

*If you add up Oleg Verniaiev's scores from the Stuttgart Team Challenge, he would have had a 90.431 in the all-around.

**The All-Around will be doing their extensive rankings again! Stay tuned later this week for their numbers, which, I'm sure, will be more exhaustive than mine.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Natty Light: The Unofficial NCAA Regional Drinking Game

Maybe you're in college. Maybe you graduated from college. Maybe you never went to college. It doesn't matter. Today, we do what college students do best – WE DRINK!

But before you get your 2012 Peter Michael Cabernet Sauvignon out of the wine fridge, remember this: college students have terrible taste in alcohol.

So, go to your local liquor store and buy the cheapest, shittiest beer you can find. And let's have some fun and make poor life decisions.

Sound good?

Do a Keg Stand Whenever…

  • A commentator uses a "but softener" – "She fell, but it was a great routine."
  • A gymnast misses a handstand on bars. Show 'em how it's done!
  • A gymnast shockingly takes a step on her double front dismount off bars.
  • Risa Perez smiles.
  • A UCLA gymnast gets a redo.
  • Tabitha Yim's hair is on point. (Has she ever had a bad hair day in her adult life?)
  • Bridget Sloan does Bridget Sloan things and gets Bridget Sloan scores. (Interpret that as you wish.)
  • A gymnast incorporates her mascot into her floor routine.

    Gator Chomp? Keg stand.
    LSU tiger paw? Keg stand.
    Minnesota doing gopher imitations? Keg stand.

Friday, March 4, 2016

The Designated Drunk: Your 2016 American Cup Drinking Game

As usual, play at your own risk!

Take A Big Gulp Whenever…

  • Al Trautwig fucks up Nastia Liukin's name on air. (He does it at least once per broadcast.)
  • It sounds like Nastia is whispering into the microphone.
  • Al Trautwig makes an awkward comment on a gymnast's body. For example, "Look at the muscles in her forearms absolutely rippling."
  • Nastia and Tim begin to reminisce about the glory days when they still wore grips and leotards.
  • Tim Daggett says, "That's bad."
  • Tim Daggett says, "Not good."
  • Tim Daggett says, "Let's see here."
  • A commentator uses the word "prestigious" to describe this meet.
  • A commentator mentions the word "Olympics." (You're going to be so drunk. Happy Saturday!)
  • Someone on social media calls Carlotta Ferlito a racist.
  • Someone on social media says that the Americans were overscored.
  • Someone on social media says that Gabby threw shade at Sophina and her floor routine.
  • A gymnast does an aerial front walkover.
  • A male gymnast does a double pike dismount off parallel bars.
  • A female gymnast does a double pike on floor.
  • A gymnast does a stalder.
  • A gymnast does a vault with some twists. (I'm trying to get you drunk, if you can't tell.)
  • Nastia tries to comment on men's gymnastics and fails.