Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Tanked: The Unofficial Drinking Game for the 2015 P&G Championships

1. Slurp down a "Red-Headed Slut" every time you see Christian Gallardo on your screen.

Okay, okay, okay, I know nothing about Christian's sexual proclivities. But you have to admit you weren't expecting that opening, were you? 

2. Whenever the commentators say "Road to Rio," pound a Caipirinha. Then, yell, "We gotta make it to Scotland first, Jerkface!" at your screen!

3. After yelling at your screen, pound a shot of Scotch Whisky in honor of your forgotten Scottish brethren.

4. If Mykayla Skinner wears a "shamrock green" leotard during the second day of competition, pound another Scotch Whisky, spin around 5 times, do a one-armed Cheng over your kitchen counter, and see if you can find Scotland on a map. (Pro tip: Don't confuse it with Ireland.)

5. If Ms. Key has a good routine, mix a little Bailey's into your coffee, and enjoy the warmth.

6. If Ms. Key has a bad routine, make yourself a "Bailey's Comet," and light that shit on fire!

7. Whenever a gymnast does a Ferrari leap, have yourself a Mojito. As you know, the Mojito is the bane of any bartender's existence – just as the Ferrari leap is the bane of any gym nerd's existence. 

8. Finish your drink whenever someone confuses Gabby Douglas with Nia Dennis on social media.

9. Pound a "Fuzzy Navel" every time a gymnast arches and sticks out his/her belly button in a handstand.

10. Do a keg stand throughout the entirety of Andrea Joyce's awkward interviews. Who knows? Maybe her interviews will be more enjoyable upside down?

11. Have yourself an "Angry German" whenever you see a male gymnast with a "Hitler Youth" haircut. (You're going to get so tanked.)

12. Shocking! A male gymnast is doing a "man wipe" on floor. Looks like he could use a Vodka-Redbull to perk himself up. Why don't you have one for him?

13. Even more shocking! Tim Daggett (or Evan Heiter or Raj Bhavsar) didn't dumb-down men's gymnastics, and he actually used the eponymous name of a skill! Take a big gulp of your favorite drink, and savor this moment!

14. BARF! A gymnast just did a release with flexed feet! Drown your sorrows in whatever's closest to you!

15. OUCH! Take an "Anus Burner" tequila shot every time you see a wolf turn.

16. If someone starts whining about the lack of artistry these days, throw an "Old Fashioned" in his/her face.

17. "Butt chug" a beer whenever a gymnast falls on his/her buttocks. (It's okay if you don't know what "butt chugging" is. I just learned the term this week, and I don't think that I recommend it.)

18. Take a big gulp whenever the commentators use the word "capable."

19. Take an even bigger gulp whenever someone on social media uses the word "potential."

20. Take an even bigger gulp whenever Sam Peszek doesn't laugh at one of Evan Heiter's jokes during the webcast.

21. Take the biggest gulp of your whole life when Nastia paraphrases whatever Tim Daggett just said.

22. When you're really, really drunk and you feel like you can't stand up anymore, Snapchat your friends. Send them a video of you gymitating your favorite choreography. If it's Simone's, you must purr excessively.

(Alternatively, if you're at a wedding, just do back handsprings right into an unsuspecting guest's face. Take off your shirt if you want it to be extra special.)

23. What's that? Simone Biles just won her third-consecutive Nationals? In honor of her three-peat have a "Three Wise Men."

24. Make that a double if Sam Mikulak wins his third-consecutive Nationals.

The usual disclaimer: I, Uncle Tim, will not be held responsible if you die playing this game. You're a fool if you try.

How to Watch the P&G Championships?


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