Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Sloppy: The 2014 American Cup Drinking Game

As usual, play at your own risk!

Take A Big Gulp Whenever…

  • It sounds like Nastia is whispering into the microphone.
  • The commentators use the word "capable."
  • Nastia and Tim begin to reminisce about the glory days when they still wore grips and leotards.
  • Al Trautwig makes a WTF comment, and Tim Daggett laughs uncomfortably to be polite.
  • Someone on social media calls Carlotta Ferlito a racist.
  • Someone on social media wonders why Gabby Douglas isn't competing.
  • Someone on social media confuses Elizabeth Price with Gabby Douglas.
  • A gymnast does an aerial front walkover.
  • A male gymnast does a double pike dismount off parallel bars.
  • A female gymnast does a double pike on floor. (You're going to get so drunk. Oops.)

Finish Your Drink When…

  • The broadcast opens with a view of the Greensboro Coliseum Complex followed by a montage of the Fierce 5.
  • Mary Lou Retton's face is on your screen. (Get used to it. 2014 will be the year of Mary Lou.)
  • The camera awkwardly pans to a gymnast's butt.
  • Fabian Hambuechen embraces another one of the male gymnasts, preferably Sam Mikulak.
  • A gymnast talks about "being best friends" on air.
  • A male gymnast does the "man wipe" in the corner before his final tumbling pass. He probably could use a drink right now, so you probably should help him out.
  • A female gymnast does a leap out of a tumbling pass. (Warning: If she goes out of bounds on that leap, you should probably giggle and then have two drinks.)
  • Tim Daggett talks about the hardness of the D.
  • Tim Daggett gesticulates wildly on camera.
  • Andrea Joyce speaks.
  • A part of you misses Elfi Schlegel.

Suggested Drinks

  • A cosmopolitan because there's bound to be some hot pink in that arena.
  • North Carolina sweet tea--spiked with a metric buttload of rum. Martha Stewart will tell you how to do it.
  • Moonshine because you'd rather go blind than watch another American win this competition.

How to Watch the 2014 American Cup

  • Podium Training: Thursday, February 27,
    • Women, 10:30am-12:30pm ET
    • Men, 1:30pm-3:30pm ET
  • Competition: Saturday, March 1


Please remember that the podium training feed is brought to you by USA Gymnastics. If you complain about seeing mostly American gymnasts on the feed, you're an ungrateful asshole. 

Remember a time when we didn't have any podium training coverage at all?


On the latest episode of GymCastic, I chose Elizabeth Price and Sam Mikulak to win the competition. Truth be told, I chose Sam because I want him to feel redeemed after the 2013 World Championships. But I wouldn't mind if Fabian won the American Cup again. (He and Jordyn Wieber won in 2009.)

Related Drinking Games:


  1. This is hilarious cuz all of it gonna happen. I just about peed my pants when you mentioned a fierce five montage. You're also right that the intl federations are so behind compared to USAG (having coverage i mean) and anyone who complains is jealous and an asshole.

  2. We not only got Mary Lou - we got her daughter! Yes!

    Mary Lou IS going to help get us through this quad...