Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Sloshed: The 2013 P&G Championships Drinking Game

1. The broadcast will open with Olympics fluff. Waterfall drink throughout.

2. If you're not already sloshed from drinking for 2 minutes straight, take a sip of a Caiparinha every time the commentators mention Rio. If you're feeling snarky, mutter, "Fools, the Olympics are more than 1,000 days away. Stop talking about 2016."

3. Whenever Nastia Liukin speaks, pound a White Russian, turn to the poster of Svetlana Boginskaya on your wall, and yell, "IT WAS A DELTCHEV!"

4. If someone in the room does not know what a Deltchev is, put that person in the corner and refer to him/her as "Al Trautwig" for the rest of the broadcast. No more drinking for Al.

5. For every fall, you must drink one Slippery Nipple.

6. If the fall is hilarious, like, say, straddling the beam Amanda-Borden style, drink two Slippery Nipples.

7. If Yin Alvarez falls off the podium while cheering for his son, go ahead and pee your pants from laughing. Then drink three Slippery Nipples.

8. Speaking of Yin, if Danell Leyva sticks a landing, do your best Yin Alvarez impression and pound a Cuba Libre on Danell's behalf. ¡Salud, hermano!

9. SWOON! The cameras just zoomed in on Jake Dalton’s face. Sip a Sloe Comfortable Screw and fan yourself.

10. Whenever NBC cuts to a shot of a male gymnast changing, take 5 swigs of something frothy. Perhaps a beer with a lot of head. (That's what she said.)

11. If Tim Daggett actually uses the eponyms for men’s gymnastics skills, drink.

12. GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A gymnast just did a layout with bent legs and flexed feet. Pound a Whiskey Sour and let your face contort into a shape that only a one-eyed pug could love.

13. Oh, honey, did you just do a Shaposh (or Maloney) to a shootover? That combination was so last quad. A round of Old Fashions all around!

14. Whenever one of the ladies flamingoes in the corner, give yourself a sobriety test. Close your eyes, stand on your left foot, and touch your right index finger to your nose.

15. If you passed the sobriety test, drink.

16. If you failed the sobriety test, you should still drink, but maybe a little less than you have been.

17. The word “Amanar” was mentioned. Take 6.3 big gulps of whatever’s in your hand.

18. If Mykayla Skinner lands her Cheng, drink. No set amount, just until it feels right.

19. For every McKayla Maroney Keek you’ve watched in the last 48 hours, take one shot.

20. When the meet is over, eat a dinner roll and soak up all the alcohol you consumed. Heck, go crazy and eat 5 dinner rolls with butter. Do it on behalf of the ladies ‘cause Marta ain't gonna let them touch the bread basket for the next month and a half.

Disclaimer: Play at your own risk. Death is imminent, and I, Uncle Tim, will not be held responsible.

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  1. Can you add a shot for every time Aly says "awesome" or "so much fun" while being interviewed? Also maybe shotgun a beer every time they show either Maroney falling on her ass/unimpressed or her team finals vault?

  2. Everytime they show Mckaylas Team final amanar.

    When they say "gold medal performance"

    Whenever someone flexes their knees on a skill thats supossed to look good like a LOSO.

    Gulp everything in sight in Mykayla Skinner lands her DDLO in.bounds.

  3. Sigh, I had a whole set of terrible-trio drinking rules and now I have to cut all my Elfi ones (e.g. 'Al calls Elfi "the greatest gymnast Canada's ever produced": down your drink and cry for Stella Umeh')

  4. I'm going to need a strong liver and a shopping spree at the ABC store to handle P&Gs.

  5. How about take three drinks everytime Tim says "Well, the judges are not going to like that"?

    And - take a swinging drink everytime Tim says "That was like a kid playing on a playground" when a gymnast is on the uneven bars.

    If MyKayla lands out of bounds take 3 shots for the tenths that the judges will take off for that landing.

    Take a shot of vodka everytime the camera cuts to Valeri Liukin and his soviet death glare.

  6. I would just be boring and drink for each stuck landing while someone else does for each non-stuck landing and see who gets more drunk