Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Schnockered: The 2013 American Cup Drinking Game

1. If the broadcast opens with the commentators doing the Harlem Shake, waterfall drink throughout the entirety of the performance.

2. If the broadcast opens with a shot of the DCU Center (yawn!), take a shot of absinthe to liven things up. Green fairies, anyone?

3. Take a big swig of whatever's in your hand when someone calls the meet “prestigious.”

4. Take five more swigs of whatever's in your hand if that reference to prestige is followed by a list of names, which includes Nadia, Mary Lou, Carly, Nastia, or Gabby.

5. If a female gymnast (or Nastia) shows up wearing hot pink, fix yourself a Cosmo and sip it slowly.

6. If Tim Daggett shows up in hot pink, chug that sucker.

7. Is that Vanessa Ferrari wearing an asymmetric leotard? Oh, that’s shocking. Take a sip, but more importantly, tweet about it. Everyone else will.

8. Drink every time NBC shows Danell Leyva’s towel.

9. Chug a beer and then crush the can violently against your head every time Nastia uses the phrase "When I..." as in "When I was competing..."

10. For every awkward and/or inappropriate butt or crotch shot that NBC televises, have one Dirty Martini. (Let's keep it classy, NBC.)

11. Whenever Tim Daggett disagrees with “those crazy judges” or someone on Twitter complains about a score, break out the wine. (Get it!? Wine is a homophone for WHINE. Yeah... this is why I don’t do standup comedy, folks.)

12. Every aerial front walkover on beam must be followed by 10 straight seconds of drinking.

13. If NBC airs a rings or pommel horse routine, stop drinking. Seriously, STOP DRINKING! Just enjoy this rare television moment.

14. Take a kamikaze shot every time a woman does one of those friggin’ jumps out of a tumbling pass.

15. Take two kamikaze shots every time a man does one of those fugly stag jumps into the corner.

16. If a girl catches her breath by doing an extended sequence of poses near the corner, pound a Vodka-Redbull on her behalf. She's going to need it before her next tumbling pass.

17. Take 5 big gulps of a Sex on the Beach whenever NBC shows Jake Dalton or Marcel Nguyen–whomever your prefer. Yum.

18. Finish your drink whenever someone does a double-twisting double layout off high bar.

19. Finish your friend's drink whenever a female gymnast gives the "super close" or "best friends" spiel during an interview.

20. If an American does not win the competition, recognize that this is a rare moment in the history of twenty-first-century gymnastics, and drink accordingly. For some, that might mean a bottle of Dom Perignon. For others, that might mean a case of American-made Bud Lite, a fetal position, and lots of sloppy tears.

Nota bene: Play at your own risk. Death is imminent, and I, Uncle Tim, will not be held responsible.


  1. Have you seen the video of Kohei's dragulescu yet?

  2. Well, I guess it's a good thing they're not livestreaming this (I don't have TV). I'd be dead.

    Hilarious post, Uncle Tim!

    1. They are, just not by anyone in US. are streaming it, 16:30 GMT

  3. This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read

  4. Damn, Uncle Tim. I was hammered 15 minutes in....