Friday, October 26, 2012

American Anthem - Part 4

Since the last hour of American Anthem has very little dialogue, I'm convinced that the writers were fired halfway through the script. Or, perhaps they were trying to do an 80s take on the silent movie?
I'm not impressed by this movie, but I am impressed by the physical similarities between Maroney and Chaplin.

Whatever the case may be, I sat through a WHOLE hour of Mitch Gaylord trying to be dramatic, when I could've been re-watching the Gala for the Mexican Open.

 Turn your second hand in on those cartwheels!
I have such a huge crush on Věra Čáslavská. Always the performer--even at the age of 70.

But, no, I sat through an hour of Mitch Gaylord doing shit like this.

You know that a gay man staged this scene because it looks like a large pole was shoved up Mitch's ass. I mean, once you notice that little detail, how can you take this scene seriously? And that's the problem: it's supposed to be serious. Mitch the Chimney Gaylord is having his last cigarette.

Shit is getting serious in Flagstaff. Everyone is feeling the pressure of the upcoming meet, and Barbie looks scared, like a deer caught in the headlights of Mitch's doorless vehicle.
With a Gregorian chant sounding in the background, we find Barbie practicing her floor choreography. Like every good floor routine, this one features drool rolling down the front of her leotard, an emotionless face, a right boob that wants to pop out of its place, and a lot of airplane arms.

It also features kink-in-the-neck hairography.
And more airplane arms. Seriously, is her choreographer Romanian?
At this point in the scene, I was yelling at my TV screen, "SHOULDERS DOWN! IS THAT SEXUAL TENSION RUNNING THROUGH YOUR BODY? SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET LAID!"

Coincidentally, this guy also needs to get laid.
By the way, this is the worst angle for shooting an iron cross. It just looks nasty.

Hmm, and he's got an eye on the ass he wants to tap.
I love this gif so much I had to reuse it.

Yup, he wants to bone down with Barbie, but first, he has to get through a rough day at practice. Nothing seems to be going his way.
So he has to do more leaning because leaning makes your problems disappear.

Except for this problem...

That one doesn't disappear, and he is all like, "You need to work hard! You can't just show up and expect to win--not even if you're Mitchy Fuckin' Gaylord."

I liked where the Hoff was going with that... until he started grabbing the sweatband around his neck. Seriously, no one will take you seriously when you're wearing a sweatband around your neck. No one.

Of course, Barbie sees all of this, and she's all like, "I'm stretching just for you. Come by my house later. Double entendre intended."
Who the F stretches on a balance beam as a cool down?

Trying not to climax too soon, the movie breaks up the sexual tension by giving us another lovely scene between Mitch Gaylord and his dad, who is clearly sleeping when Mitch enters the room. Nevertheless, Mitch decides to start talking to his dad: "Are you awake?" Then, in a trembling voice, he pours his little heart out.

I should care about this scene because Mitch admits that he needs his dad in his life. Aww... I know, right? But the whole time, I'm thinking, "How come the sunlight never looks this piss yellow in San Francisco?"

This scene "naturally" progresses into a sex scene. As it should. I mean, whenever I stare at my sleeping dad and talk to him, I leave the room hornier than a pubescent puppy who humps every leg, table, and pillow in sight. Don't you?

Barbie wakes up in the middle of the night--only to find Mitch Gaylord IN HER BEDROOM! But instead of screaming or beating him with a baseball bat or calling the police, she starts making out with him. For Barbie, breaking and entering is a huge turn on.

So, question: Why is the background blue during this sex scene? Is it supposed to be artsy? Does it symbolize Mitch's depression? Is the director trying to tell us that Mitch has blue balls?

If that's the case, those balls aren't going to be blue for much longer because the two of them GET IT ON...on the kitchen table...

...while covered in motor oil. As strange as it sounds, later on, Shakira would copy this technique in her video for "Tortura." 

As a gay man, I think I'm more turned on by Shakira than Mitch Gaylord. Weird. Also, I'd like to point out that this is probably the most action that Emaciated Barbie's kitchen table has ever seen. I'm guessing that not a lot of eating went down there.

Anyway, with his ball(s) completely emptied of its contents,

The symbolism in this movie is *almost* as deep as the symbolism of a James Joyce novel.

Mitch can focus entirely on gymnastics. But guess what? Getting laid doesn't solve all your problems. Mitch still can't do a straight Arabian dive roll.

Nor did getting laid make Barbie a better dancer.
Black Swan lied to us.

But getting laid does have its advantages. It empowers you to dress like a slut. Here's Mitch showing a little midriff.
 And here's a shot of Barbie.
I'm not entirely sure, but Barbie's vagina may or may not be hanging out of her leotard. I don't know; I try not to stare at the female nether regions; for gay men, it's like staring directly at the sun...

...or a welding machine, for that matter.

As you can see, Mitch is back to work, paying for his rent at his parents' house, and Ginger Friction is back to work on Barbie's music.
Which apparently gives him yet another orgasm.

Back on the homestead, Mitch and his father fight some more, which leads to, you guessed it...
...more dramatic leaning.

Mom the MILF happens to be waiting for him outside in the garage, where she greets Mitch with her legs wide open and her camel toe on full display.
It just so happens that Mom the MILF is in possession of a scrapbook that Mitchy's dad made of his son's newspaper clippings. Personally, I think that Pops just saved all the ones with double entendres for headlines.
It took all my willpower not to photoshop a huge dong over the word "win" and between the player's hands.

This scrapbook, according to Mom the MILF, is proof that Mr. Tevere does care. So, Mitch asks the obvious question, "Why couldn't he just tell me he cares?" And Mom the MILF responds, "Why can't you tell him? He goes to bed every night worried about you. He thinks he let you down." Blah blah blah. "Talk to him, Steve. You don't have to be a star for him. Just be a son."

Apparently, Mitch is a little slow or hard of hearing because he interprets this to mean, "You should go to the woods and practice your high bar routine between a bunch of birch trees." It's a good thing that he and Barbie already boned down because everything around his man parts would be chaffed after doing so many straddles in tight jeans.

For the first time in my life, I find myself thinking about, and concerned for, Mitch Gaylord's nether regions. FML. Anyway, thankfully, my concern is fleeting because I'm so distracted by this terrible plot. Let me explain...

Remember back to a time when you were, like, 8. If you were anything like me, you were probably snorting Pixie Stix in the back of your third grade classroom, paying no attention to your teacher who, at the time, was telling you about the different types of conflict in a story. (In my case, this is even funnier because my mom was my third grade teacher.) There was:

  • man vs. man; 
  • man vs. self; 
  • man vs. nature; 
  • man vs. society. 

And after you read a story, you had to fill out a worksheet and choose ONE conflict that was at the heart of the story.

Well, the writers for American Anthem decided to throw EVERY type of conflict into this scene. I'm not even joking. EVERY SINGLE TYPE OF CONFLICT. There's a bit of "Mitch vs. Dad," "Mitch vs. the Hoff," "Mitch vs. self," "Mitch vs. being poor," and to top if off, there's a bit of "Mitch vs. nature" 'cause ALL OF A SUDDEN it starts raining!

Once again, it is clear that a gay man wrote or directed this scene because it turns into a wet t-shirt party real fast...

By the way, USAG, if you ever need a fundraiser idea...

Anyway, we're supposed to think, "Oooo! How dangerous!" The thing is... it's not really raining on the high bar; it's just raining on his truck. So, actually, it's super safe.

Well, it's as safe as doing high bar between a bunch of birch trees can be.

Supposedly covered in water, Mitch Gaylord winds up for his "triffus," but he bails, doing only a full-twisting double back. And then, he rolls down a hill (which was not in any of the previous shots), only to ram into a giant tree.

When he stands up after colliding with the tree, we quickly learn why the directors made Mitch Gaylord lean so much. His facial expressions are horrendous.
You see, with Mitch Gaylord, there's very little difference between his pain face and his orgasm face.

Sopping wet and covered in mud, Mitch heads to Barbie's house. This time, he doesn't break and enter, and as a result, Barbie is NOT turned on. She loves the bad boys.

We know that she's not turned on because this is the perfect time to say, "You have to strip naked before you come into my house. I don't want you traipsing mud through my clean apartment!" Instead, she asks, "What happened to you?" He replies, "I want to stay here tonight."

I HATE when someone doesn't answer my question, and Barbie doesn't like it, either. (We finally have something in common.) When Mitch tells her that he quit gymnastics, she lays the smack down. "BULLSHIT! If you quit now, you'll just be a loser... Steve, whenever anything starts to get heavy [Gotta love the 80s slang], all you know how to do is run." To which, Mitch says, "You don't know shit." To which Barbie says, "You, bastard. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

And in that brief moment, I love Barbie. Bastard is one of the best words in the English language because, if you type correctly, you can type it entirely with your left hand. Fun fact.

Anyway, clearly upset by the accuracy of Barbie's psychoanalysis, Mitch finishes the scene the only way he knows how: by leaning.

AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

There are roughly 40 minutes left in this movie, kiddos, which means there's a lot of time left for Mitch to do some more heavy-duty leaning. I don't know if I can handle it.

There's good news, though: Roughly 30 of those minutes are dedicated to gymnastics routines, wanton homoerotic glances, and beating the Chinese. (Mitt Romney and President Obama would be so proud.) I can't fucking wait.


For part 5, click here.

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